Sanji's Call Me! Porno
by tazx x x
Summary: When a girl in town asks Nami and Robin to deliver a book of love letters to Sanji they dont quite expect what they find inside...Total Crack. ZoSan hints. Dedicated to Pookey! Not to be taken too seriously xx


**A/N:**** Ah, Hello out there! Hehe, I recently went on my email and discovered I had 11! emails from FF from one author favouriting me and my stories and reviewing. I then realised this same author read ****_every singly one_ of my ZoSan fics, both M and T rated. Wow. Just, Wow. Speechless isn't even the word and despite having not written anything in a while (and having other things I probably _should_ be writing) I decided I absolutely _had_ to write something for this person. No matter how small. **

**I had two ideas. This was one of them. (I may write up the other if I decide I like the idea enough) **

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own One Piece or its characters!**

**Warnings?**** Un-Beta'd (though I did my best to check through it myself) Massive CRACK. Hints of ZoSan. **

**Dedicated to Pookey. May you find this even the slightest bit enjoyable! xx**

Nami groaned and lifted a hand in an attempt to block out the unrelenting sun of the summer island they were currently docked at. Her and Robin were currently browsing the islands shopping district in search of acceptable clothes after their last run in with the marines left some of their clothes torn and irreparable. She sighed, flicking her bright orange hair over her shoulder in a bid to relieve some of the heat.

"Hey! Hey you there!"

Startled she looked around wildly to see who was shouting and noticed a young woman with long, brown hair rushing towards them.

"Oh my, could she be looking for us?" Robin mused, as calm and composed as ever. The navigator jumped back a step when the girl skidded to a stop in front of them sending dust billowing out around her. She looked up at them and grinned.

"Are you two Strawhats?" She asked loudly, garnering the attention of many of the people passing by.

"Who wants to know?" Nami asked suspiciously. The girl ignored the tone of her voice and clasped a small black book to her chest.

"Then, you must know Sanji, right? From the Baratie?"

Nami blinked, this girl knew Sanji? Robin chuckled beside her, thoroughly amused by the situation.

"Are you by any chance a fan of his? I'm sure he'd be happy to sign that for you if you'd like?" She said politely, pointing to the the black book. The girl looked confused for a moment, blinking her pretty brown eyes at them before bursting into loud bouts of laughter.

"Oh no, no, no! I'm a friend of his from the Baratie! We used to work together for a time. I was hoping you could give this to him for me!" She smiled brightly holding the black book in both hands towards them.

"This?" Nami raised and eyebrow before taking the book from the girl. "What is it?" The girl giggled and a blush steadily rose on her cheeks as she looked away, embarrassed.

"Well, not too long ago, girls from all over East Blue started coming to me after they heard I used to work with Sanji and that I was going to the New World with my father. They all kept asking me to pass on messages for him so, eventually, I got this book and told them to write their love letters in here and that I'll give it to him if I see him!" She explained happily.

"_Love letters?_" The navigator near shouted in shock, staring at the inconspicuous book in disbelief. The girl laughed again waving her hand flippantly.

"Well, you know Sanji, always leaving behind a trail of broken hearts and one night stands that want more! I swear, I didn't believe all the stories about why he was called the _Love Cook_ until men and women from all over east blue started coming to me with messages!"

Nami's mouth hung open in shock while she alternated between looking at the book and an altogether too calm Robin. Robin lifted one hand to her mouth demurely as she laughed. "Don't worry, I assure you we'll give this to Cook-san for you"

The girl clasped her hands together and looked up at the two Strawhats adoringly "Really? Oh, thank you so much! And, er, if you could tell him I left my number in there too I'd really appreciate it," Before anything more could be said, the girl dashed off, waving her arm behind her in a hurried goodbye.

Nami stared after her and muttered confusedly, "Did she say men too?" She turned towards Robin quickly for confirmation only to find her browsing a clothes rack outside one the the shops around them.

_Oh well, I suppose I'll just ask him later. If he refuses to tell me I can just keep the book and use it for blackmail. _

She grinned, shoving the book into her bag and rushing back to Robin.

~^.^~

"Ah~" The brightly haired navigator sighed contentedly as she dumped her stuffed shopping bags on the deck of the ship next to Robins. "Ah~ It was so nice of that man to give us such a large discount," She grinned as she looked about the deck.

Not seeing the person she was looking for, she shouted, "Oi~ Sanji-kun! Will you come help me and Robin with our bags?"

With a crash and a loud exclamation of "Mellorine!" The ships cook danced out of the galley leaving an unhappy looking swordsman to trail behind him. "Anything for you, my sweet!" He shouted as he picked up their bags and dashed off to take them to their room.

When he came back, Nami remembered about the book in her bag. Taking it out, she waved it towards the blond cook. "Hey, Sanji-kun! A girl asked me and robin to give this to you, she said they were love letters from east blue!"

Everything seemed to stop around them as the crew looked towards her in shock. "What?" The swordsman said irately, snatching the book from her, "As if the cook would have love letters!" he flicked through the book and grew angrier with every letter he read. Who did these bimbo's think they were, sending letters to his cook?

"Ah, gimme that!" The cook growled as he snatched the book out of the swordsman's hands and held it to his chest with a dreamy expression. "Ah~ these fair maidens have taken time out of their lives to write to me. I must read them all!" With a perverted grin he ran towards the mast and sat down, opening the book to read.

Zoro scowled and stormed off the the other side of the deck to train, unhappy that the cook was even bothering with the stupid letters. Their navigator watched them both with a sigh. Why did she have to be on a ship with such idiots?

~^.^~

Docked at the port of their current island stop, the Strawhats took the time to relax in their own ways. Nami and Robin lounged on a deck chair each, one reading and the other sunbathing while Usopp, Luffy and Chopper played board games a few feet away. Having been inspired by Sanji's love letters, Brooke and Franky sat by the head of the ship, exchanging tales of past lovers while Zoro trained excessively a few feet away. It wasn't often the Strawhats had a moment of peace so when they did, they were thoroughly enjoyed. This one was no different.

Or, it would have been, if it wasn't for the giggling.

Every now and then a short, muffled giggle would disturb the peace and cause their swordsman's eye to twitch irritably. After the fifth giggle Nami stood from her deck chair and turned towards Sanji.

"What the hell do you keep giggling at? Are those love letters really that funny?" She shouted, lifting a clenched fist in anger.

"N-No, Nami-swan! I would never laugh at an angels love letter but-" He interrupted himself with another giggle "T-This isnt much of a love letter..."

Confused- and annoyed- the swordsman put down his weight and turned to the cook "If its not a love letter then what the hell is it, Baka Cook?"

Bursting into another round of giggles the cook barely managed to reply. "It- Its a porno! One of them wrote me a porno!"

Jaws dropping, the Strawhats shouted a loud "What?" simultaneously.

Clearing his throat, the cook grinned. "listen to this..." He began to read from the beginning of the letter in a dramatic voice.

"I sit here, in my lacy black nightgown staring wistfully out the window of my hotel when suddenly, the door bursts open! and out from the door you step-"

Here Sanji pauses to tell the crew that the woman isn't often grammatically correct and to bare with him for it.

"-surrounded by fitting clouds of fog and clothed only in tight fitting black jeans, you saunter into the room on you mile long legs, hips swaying provocatively in the moonlight, and stop before my king sized bed (because you would never take me on anything less).

As you look me in the eyes I feel a shiver wrack down my spine and my heart begin to drum against my ribcage. You flip your flaxen blond hair (clearly given to you bu some form of divine intervention, I'm sure) and say "worry not, my starved desert flower, for I am here now and I'll, hehe, I-I'll save you from that b-burning ache in your loins!"

Losing grip on the laughter threatening to consume him, the cook bursts into loud peels of laughter causing Nami to stride over and rip the book from his hands "Give me that!" She composes herself and clears her throat before continuing from where the blond left off.

"I gasp, elated as you rip off your jeans with one hand and fling the tattered remains across the room, exposing your already hard member. Blushing, I can do nothing but watch as you crawl onto the bed above me like the wild predator you are, surely one that will devour me in a matter of moments. embarrassed by my already aroused state, I cross my legs in an attempt to hide myself from you. You tut reproachfully and lift my chin with one teasing finger, forcing me to look upon your dazzling blues.

"No, my dear, you should never hide your beauty from me"

I gasp, startled and excited when you dip your head down towards me, knowing that in a few mere seconds I'll feel your succulent pink lips pressed against my own. We are mere millimeters apart when, with a great slam, your crewmate, Roronoa Zoro enters the room in a flourish, looking around wildly."

Behind Nami, Zoro and Sanji can be heard shouting in shocked horror. Ignoring them, Nami continues, a grin blossoming on her face.

"Spotting you above me, the green haired stallion of a man- "

"_STALLION?_"

"- rushes over and pulls you off of me holding you in a tight grip against his chest "No, Sanji!" He exclaims looking into your suddenly teary eyed face.

"Zoro!-" You shout, "Why are you here?"

His face appears regretful as he places a strong hand on your cheek "I'm sorry, Sanji, I've been a fool! I was confused when I turned you away but now i know what i really want; its you!"

You gasp in surprise as your hands reach out to grip the front of his white toga (because we both know he'd look fit in one of those things) "Are you sure?" You ask breathlessly.

"Yes Sanji, i know now what my destiny really is," He says with a dramatic pause.

"What is it, Zoro?" You say, batting your suddenly much longer eye lashes at the swordsman. He ignores the way the smack him in the cheeks and carries on.

"It's to be with you, Sanji! To be with you and have loud sex with you every night in the kitchen and then be confused when the crew says they already knew about our relationship! It's to find some bizarre, barely explained way to have children with you that we wont be happy about at first but will eventually come to accept as we argue about whether our son- because we never have a girl- will be a cook or a swordsman!"

You burst into largely exaggerated tears "You really mean that, Zoro?"

"I do" He says, his voice suddenly raspy and deep, "For you are my love cook, and I your marimo. I love you, Sanji!"

"I love you too, Zoro!" You kiss wildly as a large white horse gallops into the room.

Zoro grabs your hand and shouts "Now, we must ride off into the sunset on this conveniently placed horse before the marines or a jealous past lover comes along to threaten our impending marriage!"

With a stern face he pulls you up into his arms, your frilly pink dress billowing out about you and jumps onto the horses back "Oh Zoro..." You sigh happily curling into his arms as you ride away to a better life.

I sit, stupefied on the bed before I rush out the door to shout at your retreating figure "Call me!"

The crew stares, speechless as Nami finishes "There's a number at the bottom," She says with a deadpan expression, turning towards Sanji whose jaw hangs open.

Before anything can be said a loud sniffle draws their attention towards Franky and Brooke who are both surrounded by a multitude of tissues and both have tears sliding down their cheeks. "That-" Franky starts, "-was beautiful!" Looking towards Sanji he shouts "Bro! You gotta call her!"

"_No!_" Zoro and Sanji both shout in unison, before Zoro turns to Sanji and lifts the protesting cook over his shoulder.

He strides confidently towards the galley before Usopp's shout stops him "Oi! Where are you going?"

Zoro turns halfway to look at him with a serious glare, "To fulfill the M-rated part of that story"

~Owari~

**A/N2:**** Thank you for reading! Please feel free to review! **_**Constructive**_** criticism welcome. xxx**


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